Running makes me dumb.

And I am not talking about beforehand when I decide to go for a run.  Really, who casually decides that? Usually there are motivating factors to running such as a dress to fit into or T-Rex to escape.  Going for a run "for the hell of it" is kinda stupid.  Our ancestors worked very hard so that we can enjoy freedom from roaming carnivores. Seems idiotic to work backwards from that.

Nor am I referring to the stupidity that makes a person sign up for a marathon or a 5k that is only three days away.  Those usually involve persuasive friends or a  coupon for a "fun" sounding race (Zombie Run anyone? How about a color run where strangers pelt you with Kool-Aid packets?)

No, this is the specific dumbness that occurs when I am in the middle of running or just after when my oxygen/blood deprived brain cannot function at its optimal levels.

I call it Jock Syndrome.

Perhaps some examples can illustrate the point

I went on a run at lunch one day.  Needed to stretch the muscles and vent some frustrations.  After a good four-miler, I showered then went back to work.  And sat at my desk looking at a math problem for a good 10 minutes.  A simple math problem.  The same type that I had been doing all morning.  Worse, the idea of backtracking the problems I had already solved to figure out how to do the current one never even occurred to me.

A week later, I did another lunchtime run and found myself in my boss's office unable to form sentences in the right order. For half an hour, I sounded like Yoda if he ever decided to give up the force and go into advertising.

example:
"Boss, flowchart problem there is" I stumbled.
"what's wrong with the flowchart?" she asked
"Incorrectly linking formulas incorrectly"
"Why don't you go put your head down on your desk for a bit and we'll talk later?"

But the Jock Syndrome also happens to me while I'm in the middle of an activity.  This is probably my favorite and most telling example:

One night I was running my usual route.  It was warm and I was a sweaty hot mess, huffing-puffing my way down the street.  As I approached some trees, I thought "Oh good! Shade! that will cool me off!"  At night.  I was excited about shade at night.

So far, the effects have been temporary, usually back to my sharp, witty self within an hour or so.  But if you see me one day struggling with math or simple sentence construction, be kind.

Jock Syndrome might be permanent!

Motivation, thou fickle tart

I am not the most motivated athlete out there.  I'm not even the most motivated athlete in the room and I live alone.

The intentions are good.  I get home from work and think, I should go work out. It will be good for me. I walk into my room and start pulling out some running gear. I lay the outfit on the bed and turn to get some shoes.  At this point, the eternal arguments begin.  The proverbial angel/devil on the shoulder appear to duke it out

Perhaps it's important to describe these two to give you a better idea of where this argument is going to lead.  The workout "angel" is dressed in my stretchy yoga pants and sports shirt wet from sweat.  Her hair is plastered to her head, with drops rolling down the sides of her blotchy cheeks.  She walks as if she's stiff and speaks only in huffs and puffs, clearly out of breath.

The comfy "devil" on the other hand, is lounging on my favorite part of the couch, kitten in lap with a good book in her hand.  She is wearing red silk pajamas, smiling and content, reaching over to pick up the hot chocolate that was sitting on the nightstand.  Her skin is bright and clear and she has fabulous hair which she gently tosses side to side, as though she had just come from a photo shoot.

Devil: You don't need to work out. You've worked hard today and deserve a break.

Angel: *huff, huff* Yea, but you sat around at work today, you didn't *whew* actually move.  Go for a run, you'll feel energized.*breath, breath*

Devil: You don't want to get so worked up before bed, and it's dark out.

Angel: It's only 6:30, you'll be fine *Puff, Puff*

Devil: Besides, it looks very cold.  Come, why don't you sit by the fire with me and read some Jane Austen?

(at this point, a roaring fire appears in a fireplace next to the nightstand where a steaming cup of hot chocolate rests for me.  By the way, I don't have a fireplace.  Devil just had mad tempting skillz)

Alena: that does look inviting

Angel: Yea, it kinda does *whew* but you need to burn calories

Devil: Why don't you run tomorrow morning instead? (smiling) you'll still burn the calories you need, and get to rest tonight like you want to

Alena: okay sounds good! where's my hot chocolate??

Next morning, around 6:15 am,  the alarm goes off.

Workout Angel looks essentially the same, still wheezing, but now the Devil is in my cotton jammies, cuddled up in the blanket.  She still looks fabulous  (I don't think I look that great when I'm sleeping, but if you are gonna tempt someone, you gotta make it look good)

Angel: Okay *huff,huff* time to get up!

Devil: Maybe 15 more minutes

Alena: okay. 15 more minutes (it's not hard to tempt me to sleep longer. let's be honest)

This process continues for another thirty minutes until I roll out of bed and realize that I slept too long and won't be able to get a run in before work

Devil: it's okay, we can run after work

and the process starts all over again.......

How to Exercise and NOT Lose Weight

1) Don't start exercising until you have cute gym clothes. If you don't have right apparel, wait until you go shopping

2) When on a treadmill, make sure you can still properly read your book

3) Only lift weights when people are looking at you

4) Every workout deserves a cupcake after. And a steak.  And a smoothie.

5) Going to the gym and changing counts as the workout. Go home.  

6) Learn to balance your latte as you use the stairmaster

7) That water bottle? Fill it up with something fun!

8) Do not sweat.  It will ruin your make-up

9) Hang out in the back of the class and only move when the instructor gives you the stink eye

10) 20 minutes waiting for a machine + 10 minutes of cardio = 30 minute workout!